Self Image

Xs and Ooos?

“Can I love
non-possessively, permissively, – without withdrawing myself, setting up my own
defenses and strategic retreats, on one hand or reducing the amount and
intensity of my love on the other hand?” – Susan Sontag

I
am currently nursing what will forever be the worst cold in all of history.
Every cough and sneeze is a stab in my sides that leads to an awkward amount of
tears. Paradoxically, this is a blessing; I get to cry peacefully, no questions
asked. I don’t really mind crying in public…it’s the public bit that’s messy.
Just because I am comfortable with it, doesn’t mean other people are. In severing
the ties to society and its insufferable expectations, I can, from time to
time, ignore the prying eyes and tongues. But does this blind eye grant me a
right to impose what I believe to be right and wholesome on others? How can it?
The idea of that means summoning the evil we are trying to vanquish from our
society.

“Now
what?” I ask myself. I ask this every time my existence as a free being is
threatened by conformity. I cannot impose who I am on others but that doesn’t mean
I should be any less bit of who I am. On more than one occasion I have been
described as “too much.” And I wonder…too much? Of what exactly? My over
indulgence in transforming into a pirate (language-wise, that is.) Of the way I
dress? Of my incapability to maintain order in MY life? Or of my emotions? Yes,
that’s definitely it. I do admit to being slightly neurotic…yes I have fallen
in “deep like” (we resigned the L word thanks to the man cleanse) at first
sight. And yes, I do cry when the underdog gets the girl in the movie. Yes, I randomly
voice my emotions because I believe people that are loved should be reminded so
and that people that are missed should be assured of this little (yet
humongous) cookie. This is who I am. It doesn’t mean I am clueless to reason,
just that most times emotion will be reasonable; at least that’s what I tell
myself.

 A friend of mine recently admitted as much to
me over coffee, (what is it about coffee that encourages you to forget
inhibition?) “Nora, I don’t think there are people that are comfortable with receiving
the amounts of emotion you give…well, I wouldn’t be, to be honest.” And to that
I vehemently asked, “But don’t you crave for it? Don’t you have a gaping hole
waiting to be filled with emotion?” And this is the part that sucker punched me,
“So? Emotions are for the weak…and even if I did feel them I would never let
them see the light.” My soul wept for him, he would never know the true beauty
of emotion. And then I wept for…for myself; I would always be vulnerable, not
because I was eager to let my walls down, but because people were never willing
to join my crusade.
“I refuse to live in the
ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want
ecstasy. I am a neurotic — in the sense that I live in my world. I will not
adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.” – Anais Nin
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4 Comments

  • Reply Anonymous February 11, 2013 at 11:52 pm

    This piece isn't for the blind pilot. I love it!

  • Reply Nora Kirabo February 12, 2013 at 5:50 pm

    Thank you 🙂

  • Reply evelyn karungi March 16, 2013 at 3:19 am

    can I just go comment on all your pieces without being stalkerish? LOVE all of them…

  • Reply Nora Kirabo March 18, 2013 at 8:08 am

    And I will encourage it…thank you so very much

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