fear of women began early. I was 7 when I learned that I would always be
compared to my sister. I was initiated to a twisted ideology that beauty could
not be appreciated without comparison. Your qualities had to be
“better” than another’s to be accepted. I’m still trying to figure out why I had to be forced to be a part of this “beauty contest” 16
years later and I have shuttered this Hall of mirrors. Seeing beauty in others
is seeing beauty in myself.

fear of men began with a metamorphosis. Shedding the naivety of childhood, we
are perceived as women from this change. Breasts and hips usher you into a
world of objectification. And this gave birth to a new shape of lies: That my
relevance to a man was defined by how attractive I would be. Imagine being 13
with barely any clue on how to exist in this new realm, only to be perplexed
further by the constant reminder that your breasts are not big enough, that
your hair is not long enough, that every fucking thing you have no control over
is not good enough. And then you get older and learn your relevance is tied to
your existence. But learning this isn’t enough. You must unlearn the lies you
were subjected to. And I wonder, do you ever unlearn anything. Because
regardless of all the knowledge and self realisation I have gathered to date, I
still feel an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy when a man tells me I’m not
slim enough to be his type.

fear of love began at 18. I kissed a boy and I wanted to kiss him forever. My
concept of love was tied to the fleeting and human idea of “forever”
and then it wasn’t anymore. I remember little about him but something in my
inner being says it wasn’t real. How else can I explain someone telling me I
was unloveable? And you remind yourself it isn’t true. But sometimes our fears
manifest into reality simply by giving them a forum in our minds. So it was
that the rest after him couldn’t love me. And I hoped it was because they were
not capable of it, but they went ahead and fell in love with others, never me.
I am yet to comprehend this twist of fate. There were others that carried the
cross of loving me but until I distance myself from my fear, I will never know
this love.

all the things I know, I can’t seem to trace the beginning of some fears. I
woke up one day and they were in bed next to me. I carry them around trying to
make sense of them. But sometimes there is no sense in fears such as fear of
your true self. So you hide from the world forgetting that it is the only
version of yourself that you can ever be at peace with.
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  • Reply evelyn karungi September 14, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    It's crazy how I just wrote about this…feeling inadequate for people and we lose our identities in trying to make up for things we have no control over and yet we have always been enough. My Monday morning just got better because of you.

  • Reply Nora Kirabo September 14, 2015 at 5:53 pm

    I love that line. "we have always been enough." truth!

  • Reply John Barigye January 6, 2016 at 9:39 pm

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • Reply Umulisa January 13, 2016 at 7:43 pm

    Please never stop writing.

  • Reply Nora Kirabo January 14, 2016 at 7:21 pm

    Thank you, Adia 🙂

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