The Tempest.

“And the day came when the
risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to
blossom.” Anais Nin

A close friend sought relationship
advice from me recently. Seemed easy enough, right? wrong! As she got to
explaining her woes I realised I could not logically be of help to her. I did
not know how what it was like to be in a relationship where I was loved “too
much.” I did not know of this kind of suffocation. I had not been through
something like that and I secretly thought she was being ungrateful. But the
truth is I was being unfair. So it was that I found myself facing a somewhat similar
scenario…wearing the other shoe. I am surrounded by selfless listeners ready to
ward out the necessary words of wisdom. A cynical friend of mind constantly
reminds me “to be wary of people that always have the right thing to say.” Every
time I explain the state of abyss I am currently lost in, it breeds clichéd
solutions weighed down by unfamiliarity. Frost didn’t call it the road less
travelled for nothing. It all comes down to this…you are aware of your existential
crisis and you are aware that you must make a change. The problem is you
address this change like any other worldly aspect; you learn a new language,
get the bangs, or in my case go to law school. The sad reality is that all you are
doing is further burrowing the hole you are in. And in that very moment the
darkness sinks in; no one can help you, you are alone! It’s hard to come to
this realization when you are surrounded by loving friends and family because
you are afraid that this is testament that they may inadequate yet truly; they
are not. They are, however, irrelevant to this…the problem within must be
addressed WITHIN!

“Be yourself. Life is
precious as it is. All the elements for your happiness are already here. There
is no need to run, strive, search or struggle. Just be.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
Fully aware that change must be let into
my life I woke up ready to initiate, implement and transform. But the human
condition belittles my effort. It is human nature to harness an insatiable need
to implement change at the beginning of a new phase, year or project. And like
our sad New Year resolutions; we start out burning fiercely only to burn out by
February and by December one can barely confess to accomplishing a tenth of the
list without their pants setting on fire. We are creatures of habit and mine is
the constant need to fix things. Paradoxically I have never been one to maintain
a hobby or project. Remember…mine is a volatile soul; fickle yet strangely
stuck in my ways. I tried learning how to write haikus and I lost interest
after a day or two. Swimming; three years. Gym; 6 months. I change phones,
schools and interests too often. I find it easy to take on change but sadly, I have
the wrong implementation of it. The only things that remain constant are my
sandwich order, shampoo and other miniscule things that my mind would explode
over if they were subject to change.

So here I am “searching” within and the
words that vividly resonate in my mind are;
still and know that I am God.”
Months later, I have come to the
understanding that the only change that could be prescribed for me was to do NOTHING for a while. I needed to step
back and do nothing till I was ready to get back to the routine of life. Now this
isn’t that “Eat, Pray, Love” kind of situation because it is wholly impossible
for me to take a year off from my life and go country hopping. I needed to
somehow do nothing amidst my school schedule, plans with friends, family
responsibilities and of course my share of shit that life decides to throw
impromptu. Oh and that includes cutting back on my excessively soul consuming
thoughts. Isn’t that interesting; that one aspect of my being can inadvertently
hurt another bit of it.
The big “reveal” here is that I took up Yoga (again!) I had taken it up two years
ago but I did not have the spiritual understanding to fully utilise it so I dropped
it. I find myself here again because it is the perfect mixture of chaos and
order that my life is encased in. See the whole guise of yoga is to clear your
mind as you do a number of poses whilst engaged in breathing exercises. The ingenuity
here is that the poses give off the epitome of peace yet each body movement and
breathing exercise masks the fire that your body parts are actually
experiencing and of course the raging war to control your thoughts. At the end
of every 30 minute workout is “the dead
body pose.”
The whole aspect to this pose is to let go of as much tension
as possible by completely relaxing the body through laying on one’s back and spreading
out his or her arms and legs. You have to do this for 2 to 5 minutes. Now this
may seem like the easiest bit to the whole workout but here’s the let down…you
have to clear your mind and NOT think. See with your body still, your mind is
now free to roam. Now my mind has the ability to run laps like The Flash; a
blessing and a curse. Because in that moment of my workout; I found my mind
running to the insecurities of inadequacy, my lack of judgment in handing out
trust and how my floor needed sweeping. This is the tempest. I finally got
through it by reading my bible before the workout so that during that pose I can
focus my thoughts on God. So now all I have to do is find a way of NOT dropping

 “Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you
cease to be so.” – John Stuart Mills
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1 Comment

  • Reply june asiimwe September 8, 2012 at 11:10 am

    "mine is a volatile soul; fickle yet
    strangely stuck in my ways" its like you dug into the deepest recesses of my mind and unlocked a truth i had hidden away:)

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