I’ve been dreading this entry. I detest filtering my mind as I write. It basically involves consciously withholding some thoughts, ideas and feelings; especially the ones that are “too dark” for the world. And although it has to be done, it is a travesty to cage the bird that needs to fly to find peace. It is within this censorship that I edit the fabric of reality in my writing to delude myself of truth. But that’s just it; we cannot perceive anything to be definite. Not the words your fellow man tells you and not what you tell yourself to get by. But today, today I felt a cold breeze hit my mind. Emphasis on hit, because it was a brutal shake that made me temporarily retire the ban on my thoughts. Let’s see what insanity will bubble to the surface today.
I felt butterflies in my stomach this week…I use that phrase because it defines the state of the feeling; clichéd, completely idiotic and downright irrational. Yes, even I am prone to the wonderful madness that is love. But that’s just it. Is it love? I don’t want to have to search within every time I think I like someone. But that wasn’t even the case here. It was on the surface. Did I really care about this person? Would my heart skip a beat if something life changing happened to him right now? Probably not! I would convince myself that it affects me and then mirror this façade to the world so that I can come off as “human.” I’ve known this person for five minutes. There are hundreds of people I’ve known for five minutes. I can’t have crippling emotions for all the hundreds. It’s not that I am morally bankrupt; well most days I am, but not with this. And although I do have a general concern for people, there will be no skipping of heart beats here. People hate to hear that. Because they do it most of the time; pretend. And to be honest, I do cash in my “pretence-cheque” more often than I’d like to admit. I display emotions that I’m not feeling at that moment. I CAN feel them; they just aren’t in play at that time. So then I delude myself to believe that since I care enough to fake it, then I really do care but just in a different way. But is my care really genuine. If you think about it, I am not faking it for the other person’s benefit; I am doing it so that their perception of me, as a “decent human”, remains flawless. I hate that about myself. And yet society embraces it. This is the ugly truth that underlies its very existence. An ugly truth we are all uniquely informed about. But knowledge of the existence of evil plays no role in its defeat. It is a dirty war that we are all apart of even when we are not consciously aware of it. I am constantly flipping sides so most days I am incapable of playing my assigned role; so my imperfections come to light and I am in no position to feign emotion no matter how hard I try. I am not void of emotion. I feel it. Difference is mine is a floodgate, I let one drop out and it’s a downpour for 40 days and nights. I might share in your pain once in a while but I will not feel everything. It is up to you to fully feel pain (among other emotions) in all its beauty, yes beauty.
You can’t deem someone an “unfit human” because they do not feel the emotion you want them to feel at that very time. So often we love and with love comes expectations. Expectations directed at someone who in all honesty owes us nothing. So you feel justified to hate them and demonize them when they don’t love you back.
To be the outcast is to fully understand the expectations of society; reject or take them and then wait for the consequences. But it is never that simple. Regardless of whether you accept or reject them, all society asks, is that you have the “decency” to act in the desired manner; real or faux. Is that even right? To take empty and meaningless actions just to achieve order. Who am I to judge? The pattern may not appeal to me but it is a way of life for many others. But however wrong I perceive the system, there is still good in it. And that is what I choose to uphold. My thinking might be flawed, but I see no flaws in my intentions. And so it was that the outcast was the being that rejected the dishonesty of society. And so it is that I am that being. That to give in would be to betray myself.