OUTCAST: one that is cast out or refused acceptance (as by society)
Some people have the ability to make others feel at ease. They come into contact with people and instantly put a smile on their faces and give them assurance, no matter how false, that everything will be alright. One would say that such people are synonymous with rainbows, unicorns and whatever image of good you have. The world does not hesitate to call them saints….And then there is me. I’m not saying I do not occasionally put a smile on peoples’ faces. I’m saying that too often I do the opposite. And as such fail to qualify in the former group. At that, one would assume that my intent is malicious, that I thrive from the tears and shrieks of the innocent. But it’s much more complicated than that. It’s a bit of a paradox…I will explain. I wake up in the morning determined to live. Whatever makes that easier, I will pursue. And in so doing, I full heartedly give consideration to the plights of those in my life. I long to fulfill promises, to make people proud of my accomplishments and to simply do right…whatever that is. But our intentions do not define us. It is our actions. My actions in this case are evil, and although that is a conviction too harsh for my misdeeds, that In the effort to do right, I always fall short of human standards, and I screw everyone over. The contradiction here is that I do care. I care about peoples’ feelings. That should make everything better? But it doesn’t. Like it or not…my care, much like everything else in this world, has an expiry date. Simply put, I don’t care much after the actions in question. Once I have erred, then it is not up to me to feel anything. I have hurt you, I will apologise (with or without contrition) but I am no longer to worry about your feelings or well being. Maybe for future expectations, but that’s just it…that in itself is a worry for the future. This is now. Please do not guilt trip me, because unlike my mind, my conscience is defective and susceptible to depicting faux morals. But like a broken clock, my conscience is right twice a day, so to speak. Exhibition A; this admission of flaws can only prove that I have a streak of honesty. If you’re going to feel, let it be real. I do go out of my way not to hurt people, as do most villains (a politically incorrect term coined by society!) and that right there is real. I do wrong, as do you. Are you therefore not in my category if we are to run around making judgment and crushing people with society’s gavel, actually that is already the reality of society’s ways and required conduct. I am fully aware that pure evil exists among us. That some people wake up in the morning with the intention to spread grief and sorrow to the innocent and humankind in general. Like yin and yang, that is the order of the world. But I am not the evil that most cower in fear from. That much I know. I may be no saint but I am not aligned with the darkness. But that is never enough for the light to welcome you. I am to atone for my sins before I am accepted. And even though I do so, (on a daily basis) it is never enough. We are misled to think that man is inherently good or evil…it is never simple, today I am this, tomorrow I am that. So forgive me for not having room for your petty grievances. The grime I yield is more than necessary for one soul.