DISCLAIMER: All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. BUT if you are convinced it is about you, it probably is…so please DIE.
First off; yeah TENTH ENTRY…drinks all around. Secondly; turns out some people (very disturbed people OBVIOUSLY) are actually curious about what goes on in my mind. And who can blame them? 20% of the time I’m thinking wise, philosophical and life changing shit that makes up this blog. The rest of the time my mind is blank! But once in a blue moon (read as once every 30 seconds) the blank mind rolls over to some dark thoughts. The recurring ones this year are ways to murder people I do not like and some I like (extreme exaggeration of the actual emotion) but could live without. You have all contemplated murder before, if you haven’t, then my darling; this is not the blog for you! I know I said in Carpe Diem that part of seizing the day is not letting the bastards get you down but if you think about it, by killing them off…I’m stopping them from getting me down! Right, right, right? Can you blame me? My boy Jean-Paul Sartre said it best; “Hell is other people.” Call this malice aforethought, in fact if I do murder someone, this is going to be some pretty damning evidence. LEGGO!
For the readers incapable of working Google, Ares is the Greek god of war, bloodlust, violence, manly courage, and civil order. Athena is the Greek goddess of wisdom, war, the arts, industry, justice and skill. Ares, for the bruteness and Athena for the wisdom. I will not comment on the BEAUTIFUL coincidence that it is the male that offers such a primitive solution and the female that offers pure genius. So, I’m thinking this entry needs a list, but we already established how much I loathe lists so I’ll make this quick.
5. Death by Kutcher.
The gist of this method is to subject your victim to every visual work that Ashton Kutcher has put his filthy paws on. Why? Because a) BRUCE WILLIS FOR LIFE and b) John McClane is far from fictitious. And it doesn’t hurt that Ashton Kutcher is probably the spawn of satan and as such will inflict permanent brain damage that can only be followed by death. This can be inflicted on random people that you just don’t like. No reason to hate them…YOU JUST DO.
4. Removing the larynx (voice box.)
That’s pretty self explanatory so off to the Why of the matter! Because contrary to popular belief, words hurt. What better way to shut people up than this. Except, removing voice chords does not exactly kill people. Well, I suggest you go all Ninja style by shoving your hand into his neck and personally extracting that bitch. Needless to say, this is most definitely prescribed for the bitches that get their kicks out of talking about other people and spreading shit that’s downright false.
The Egyptians were on point with this shit. My knowledge on this procedure was limited so I read up on it…one word DOPENESS. Basically these dudes would remove the organs from a person’s body, dry them then put them back in and wrap them with linen then stored in a coffin. I chose this method of murder because a) it appeals to the psychopath within. And b) this shit is CLASSIC. I would prescribe this method for every piece of shit you attempted to have a love life with. Why? Because you keep the coffin as a reminder NOT to date pieces of shit. That is all. Pretty basic!
2. Death by hangover and insomnia SIMULTANEOUSLY.
I was fortunate (ha) enough to experience this last week. Who do I blame? Vodka!!! And that is why, ladies and gentlemen, whiskey over vodka ANY DAY. Okay, back to the point. I would most definitely murder some dip shits this way, for obvious reasons. If you have never had any of the above I’ll break it down for you. Hangover= headache, nausea, guilt from previous night’s drunk dialing, shame from the random fish-face you made out with and to top it all off; looking like you spent the night in a prison cell being molested by Ahmed and his 11 inch….woah I got off topic but you get it now. THEN Insomnia= no sleep basically, thoughts of ever past relationship that sunk harder than titanic, foreboding the Freudian slips that will no doubt fill your day due to the sleep deprivation, counting down to turning into a zombie and of course looking like you spent the night in a prison cell being molested by Ahmed…errrr point made. I would most likely enforce this on the dishonest pricks that walk this earth. Sit there and think of your inability to tell the truth. And if that fails, Ahmed will temporarily leave his fictitious prison cell to pay them a LONG visit…5 points for the innuendo.
D R U M R O L L….
1. Two Words: HUMAN CENTIPEDE!
Fine, I ripped this off from a horror movie BUT I get to edit to suit OUR “needs”. If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s about a scientist who mutilates a bunch of tourists into a “human centipede” by stitching their mouths to each others’ rectums. Come to think of it, it’s actually flawless…no editing is necessary. This method takes the “eat shit” line to another level. We will prescribe this to generally everyone that needs to eat the shit they keep trying to feed us.
And that’s a wrap! Feel free to supplement some more methods. Five seems too little to rid this world of some idiots.