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Oh Christmas Tree!

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…I am indecisive. I
have come to learn that this is because i do not know what I want. And that
stems from desiring so much. A hunger for the paradoxical, the unattainable,
for knowledge and emotion yet to be described. A capricious search to put out
the fires that my volatile soul ignites simply by existing in such a world. Now
this is the fire; when I know what I want, I go after it like a dog after a
bone…like Kim Kardashian after a rich black man; an insatiable hunt that
never really ends. I burn down the thing I desire in the process of attaining
it. I am not a rule breaker, you see…but these rules society imposes, I
simply cannot follow. It is these rules that clash with my existence ; with my
notions of life. For what I want, society never wants to give (without a
fight.) I want to break down these rules; this structure, so that I can have my
way…so that I can have you, maybe.

The Christmas gift phenomenon is lost
on me. My idea of “giving” around this season is to share heartfelt words, or
time; the epitome of giving, really. Needless to say, I am impossibly in love
with Christmas. It is one of the first “things” I ever truly fell in love with.
Well, I wouldn’t call it a thing, it is an entity! One that earned a permanent
spot in my heart; you know what they say about first loves! So, my heart does
exponentially expand around Christmas time…there is so much joy, I do not
know where to put it all. 
I had been blind to this fact, you see. The commercialisation
attached to this holiday, the materialism and every
other worldly aspect attached to this season had made me cynical about
it. But this year, after much soul searching, I have taken many steps to
distance myself from self deception. So Today, I can proudly exclaim this
truth; “I love Christmas!” I am beyond grateful for the birth of Christ. And I
am beyond grateful for the people that have been a part of my life as an
extension of knowing Christ. 
Christmas is synonymous with my childhood. I remember so little of
my childhood yet these little bits of memory contain
such wondrous scenes of Christmas…the tree, the music, my mother’s
home cooked meals that had become extinct, Church, laughter with my
siblings…WOW, why had I tucked these memories away? Yes, the mask protects
yet robs so much from me in the process. 
Well a couple of months ago, I had an epiphany. From now on,
Christmas should be a walk down memory lane every year. It should embody the
healthy kind of nostalgia I am yet to attain. For me, you see…Christmas is
embodied in the tree! Every year for 13 years or so,we have had the natural
tree; the smell filling the small rooms of our flat, the amateur decorations
and the attachment that grew to the tree; a symbol of our attachment to one
another…no visible affection until the season beckoned such. What happened to
this tradition? Why did we trade all this for the plastic lifeless tree that,
at heart, symbolised the plastic repertoire we had grown comfortable with? The
curse of the plastic tree! Eeek! I know it’s in storage, waiting to come out
and do its annual damage. And that thought keeps me up at night. All I want for
Christmas, as you can plainly see, is a natural tree. Big enough to tower over
the desires of the self and summon joy and togetherness. I want THAT tree that
had an automatic spot every year for those 13 years. No gifts, no words….just
a tree!

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