Self Image

Madness, and then Illumination!

“To be able to reach the heights of purity you have to
suffer through deprivation and humiliations. And what could have been a descent
into hell becomes liberation.”

— Catherine Breillat

I finally figured out why old habits die
hard. Because deprivation only serves to make them sweeter (and more fatal.) The
things that are supposed to be bad for us, in reality, make us feel good. This
is what it means to be human. I say this void of pride…I refuse to feel shame
for that which we are all guilty of even though it manifests in us differently.

I am lactose intolerant. When I ingest
anything with milk, hives break out over my body and I scratch until it is
covered in abrasions which then heal weeks later to become blemishes. But I love
chocolate, cake, ice cream…most things that contain milk, really. I know it’s
not good for me before, during and after I indulge but still I continue.
I never learn!

I am this way with people. I give more
chances than I should and I sacrifice my emotional wellbeing in the process. I shouldn’t
let you in after you have hurt me, but I do. Because I am convinced you will be
better even though the pattern says otherwise. I know beforehand you have the
power to hurt me but I trust you not to. I recognise it while it is happening
but I believe you are cognisant of it and will stop it before it is
irreparable. I know after it has happened that it will probably happen again
but what is forgiveness without forgetting.

Who I am is in conflict with who you are. but
when we agree to relate with one another, we take it upon ourselves to be
understanding of one another’s weaknesses/flaws and not use them against each
other. I believe that this is the least humanity expects from us.

“We are as forlorn as children lost in the
woods. When you stand in front of me and look at me, what do you know of the
griefs that are in me and what do I know of yours. And if I were to cast myself
down before you and weep and tell you, what more would you know about me than
you know about Hell when someone tells you it is hot and dreadful? For that
reason alone we human beings ought to stand before one another as reverently, as
reflectively, as lovingly, as we would before the entrance to Hell.”
Franz Kafka
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8 Comments

  • Reply beewol April 21, 2013 at 11:49 pm

    You have a point Norah. If everyone stayed away from the people or things that ever did hurt them, we'd have so many meaningless lives running about pretending to be human yet they are really just lifeless beings floating about searching for a breath of life.

  • Reply Nora Kirabo April 21, 2013 at 11:59 pm

    Exactly! I'm sending you a cyber high five 🙂

  • Reply Barole Edgar April 22, 2013 at 5:22 am

    "I shouldn’t let you in after you have hurt me, but I do. Because I am convinced you will be better even though the pattern says otherwise"

    Aww you really have a good heart Nora 🙂

  • Reply Nora Kirabo April 22, 2013 at 8:15 am

    I do, don't I? Thank you, Edgar 🙂

  • Reply Leslie Bwango April 22, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    Awesome read sunshine 🙂

  • Reply Nora Kirabo April 23, 2013 at 6:23 am

    Thank you, sunshine 🙂

  • Reply kateeba tanya May 2, 2013 at 9:18 am

    "I know beforehand you have the power to hurt me but I trust you not to. I recognise it while it is happening but I believe you are cognisant of it and will stop it before it is irreparable. I know after it has happened that it will probably happen again but what is forgiveness without forgetting." This describes the way i feel in so many ways, glad someone can put into context..phenomenal piece you have here

  • Reply Nora Kirabo May 7, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    I am always grateful, thank you!

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