Sometime back, I said; “what is art if you don’t put a bit of yourself in its birth.” There was no stroke of genius this week so I took an excerpt from my journal. YES I have one of those. This is a product of solitude. Hopefully most will relate.
My greatness is in love. but alas, it is a double edged sword; a great strength and a great weakness. To find countless hours gone in what I can only assume to be a futile search. But that’s not the worst of it…the worst is to let the countless emotions that make life what it is pass me by. You would think the dark side of this dichotomy is what would make me dispel such air-headed thoughts I am persuaded to affiliate to love. call me a fool but I still revel in this madness. I find myself in a world of my creation painting everything with the murk we call love. and by chance there came a day. A day when I picked up a brush and painted new colours. My world was no longer the equal of that a naïve 15 year old girl. No guilt or fear, I was not betraying myself…I was simply unwrapping the delights that I had foolishly buried under the enormous pile of love. My thoughts had evolved and I craved for more. What made this different is that these were insatiable. That I needed more and much to my delight, more was wholesome…unlike those of love that only served to be detrimental. When I thought of love I was reminded of all the times I had been scarred in the search moreover which was always concluded in one sided devastation; my side that is.
NO! These thoughts were pristine…they were the dreams I had for so long denied my mind. These thoughts defined my limits. My limits were unbounded. I craved for greatness, the desire to know more was oh so great that as I searched for knowledge I dusted off the corners of my mind that I had willed myself to never expend. I was an artist in these thoughts, a creator; for these thoughts gave birth to more. I allowed myself to completely step away from love and in doing so was able to fully indulge in the other pleasures that life has to offer. It was an outer body experience for I ceased to be myself and could see myself as I hoped to be. I was finally cognisant of the unknown that had stared at me for years. I could be better…all I had to do was make myself better. If there was anything I regretted it was NOT these thoughts. These thoughts had given birth to actions in my past that I had never regretted and never would. to know that my dreams would arise from a bottomless cup; that after I had lived out the dreams of now, there would be more dreams tomorrow. How could I not fully accept, fondle and simply take these thoughts. They were mine. Nay, they are mine. I will mold the new self with these thoughts. Today was the day. Today I was reborn. I spent a day carefully planning my thoughts and dreams. I filled the abyss that had only been further deepened by my previous notions and hopes of love. Today, today I took a hiatus from love. It will return tomorrow, no doubt. But this time it will be brief for I hunger for much more. Colour me a changed woman!