Hate; an over exaggeration of what we actually feel. Too many times we are sure we hate something when really our feelings are only a fraction of what hate really is. But today…today I am confident when I say I hate having to explain myself. It makes meeting new people hard. And it makes friendships even harder. But I live in the now. And right now I refuse to explain myself. Simple! I refuse to convince another male that I am indeed in love with him. I refuse to explain the things I am incapable of. Mainly because I am incapable of so many things but also because I can no longer be defined by my weaknesses and fears. I used to yearn for love. A love so strong and beyond human understanding that so many envy me. But how can I have such a thing when I loath the tedious ritual of explaining one’s feelings.
Drink Me Dry.
It’s the new year and I still can’t verbalize who I am or what I want. I want to freeze time. Get my shit together finally. That I can express. But all that proves is that everything I want can only exist in the fantasy realm. Reality has little to offer me. I’m losing loved ones faster than I can say my name. I’m not losing them to heaven…I’m losing them to the world. I can no longer give them what they need and expect from a friendship with a tormented soul such as mine. I care. I care. I care. Writing it isn’t the same as feeling it. I can’t seem to stop the inevitable. Solitude was once my dream and now it is my reality. I find it sickening that I find joy in this. The remnants of my old self say I need help. But she is confined deep within the layers of my dark and twisted mind that even I can’t find her. I tried so hard before and victory was not mine. Now what? Let it console you that I tried. Life screws up our best intentions so you must know; I tried!