maybe, my inclination to a life of chaos is a perfect disguise of some kind of
again I am face to face with the one person I ever truly disappoint; me! I rarely
feel the wrath of disappointing people. I realise how heartless that comes off
but really…can you blame me? I must distance myself from such impracticality to
remain sane. (well relatively) But I must live the world through my eyes; by my
standards…yet paradoxically these measures are just as impractical; “…we are more severe judges of our own
acts than professional judges. We judge our thoughts, our intents, our secret
curses, our secret hates, not only our acts.”
And by both standards I am all
at heart, are who I am. So how did I lose “myself”? well it is simple…I am
drawn to truth. Now the bits of my being are seeping through the cracks in the
mask. Shouldn’t I be relieved that I can finally let go of the mask and be what
comes to me naturally? But it’s never that easy. I wore the mask for so long
that as I attempt to detach it from the essence of my being, it in turn rips
off the bits that had clung to it. I lost myself in the mask. Does it make
sense? I never forgot how to feel; I simply tucked it away behind the mask. And
now as the mask is peeled off, it takes bits of me…I am raw; open to the world.
I must reiterate this process for there is nothing simple about it. forgive me;
the mask is not simply pulled off…it is a war; I am pulling at this shell with
the fists of my subconscious. And when it finally comes off; the bits and
pieces go flying everywhere. Nothing pretty about this. It is more than drunken
banter. They are oblivious to my struggle. They have grown attached to the mask
that they are convinced they truly “know” me. Ha ha ha how can you know her when I am yet to
boast of such luxuries.
The unspoken words and the battles not fought. Indecisiveness and uncertainity.
I cannot attribute any correctly. But no man must live like this…something has
I see in myself. Maybe the mask isn’t so bad.