“i am mine.
before i am ever anyone else’s.”
― Nayyirah Waheed
“Mine” – tattooed on my right wrist is this declaration. I see it with every action my dominant hand takes. The meaning is lost on so many who see it. “Why would you need to remind yourself of something so basic.” – they ask, with the heavy condescension that I am not yet immune to. Trying to explain myself seems futile. How can they understand that I never felt like mine for so long. I longed to be “his” “yours” “theirs” I was forever giving myself away that I forgot to be mine. The desecration of this temple went like this.
There was Mr Grey. The first person to pay attention to me was granted access to my heart even when he openly declared that the next one wouldn’t love me either so there was no difference. I failed to see that I was always capable of the thing they couldn’t give me.
Then there was Mr Black. He was the personification of my self hate. He called me bitch and pulled my hair even when he never fucked me. He was the least deserving of my being but he was a reflection of how much I could hate myself.
And to my rescue was Mr Green. He was the most like me, so it came as no surprise when I discovered that he too, was lacking in self love. We were on the same journey but we couldn’t take it together. Good intentions weren’t enough to save us from ruining each other.
The direct opposite of Mr Green was Mr Red. He was an embodiment of the world. All I sought to be was a version that would impress him. But I always fell short of this standard. He felt better about himself by putting me down and yet I still believed he was capable of more.
Mr Brown was supposed to be the one. But that one expectation created a million more. People aren’t supposed to be what we expect of them and vice versa. I was too busy trying to mold him that I forgot to mold myself.
And now, there is me! Plato said “At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.” What he left out was this, with the loss of love, everyone finds a divine entity. Finding yourself after this loss, is that divine entity.
I remain a goddess even when no man worships at my altar.