Self Image

Being Human.

I hate my life.” I used to say this when I was younger…when I didn’t understand the gravity of my words. Now that I do…I take it back. But I can truly say I hate what is happening in my life right now. I hate that I have no control of what is essentially supposed to be MY life. Free will…remember! But here I am incapable of asserting control to even a tenth of the bits that surround my existence. School, family, friends, romantic pursuits…EVERY-FUCKING-THING!

These bits, however, I can accept to be out of my control. It is inevitable; they are seperate entities at the end of the day. I cannot make man feel things that do not come naturally to him. I cannot change the basic idea that is law school; stacks and stacks of books. Things are this way and I have no control over how they will behave.

But I have control over how they affect me. I should decide that I will not fall victim to the trap that is the emotionally unavailabile man. Or the friend that just won’t make the effort to be in my life anymore. They can act a certain way but I will decide how their actions affect me. Absurd…absurd, absurd! I have no control over that either. My emotions seem to exist as a seperate entity from logic. Isaid I would be a better friend, sister, student, daughter…but I failed to exerxise control and so I disappoint loved ones and myself.

I am no victim really. I gave up my hold on free will a long time ago, you see. I chose not to know moderation, empathy, responsibility…I gave it away, now how do I get it back. And just like that, I am reminded that I am still the villain in my own story.

I am no puppet. I have to do what I damn well please while exercising caution. I was having a conversation with a friend recently and we talked about having lists in our life. Lists that we keep at the back of our mind to prioritize the people in our life. This is what stuck out in this conversation, “God is too big to be on a list. He is a seperate being that is undoubtedly put first in all our endeavours.” So I asked, “who, then, is number one on my list?” He had this gentle smile on his face as he held my hand and said, “You, Nora, YOU!!!”

I couldn’t fight it. It was true. I had put so many people’s needs before my own and I was drowning in obligation. Needless to say I did them all a disservice for I never did come through as adequately as I could have. And I did myself a disservice.
“Now what?” This question has plagued my inner being for days. I need to reevaluate MY LIST. The best way to do this is to detach myself from everyone and thing. At this point all I have is a blank canvas. I must paint “All things Nora.” After this, and only after, I can add the things and people that match. Then I can find control. I must pump life into my being not the opposite!

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