At the Palace of Hearts.

you hurts more than I care to admit.” – X

We have our little routine, you and I. I leave
unceremoniously, and I return months later. The former comes with no warning,
at least to you. For me, it is the heaviness in my hellos and the lump in my
throat when I say your name leading up to this moment. “I can’t take this
anymore.” “THIS”: the perpetual
reminder that I am not yours. What is this soul consuming need to belong to
another? But most importantly, how can I cleanse myself of it? Amidst these
questions, I sneak out the back door and leave a note promising to return.

And I do return. Our emotions exist in two

1.   When I am
next to you, our skin virtually stuck together, we have the heavy silence. Words
ruin everything for us so we feed off the life of kisses and suggestive

 2.    When I am
away from you, I am haunted by these memories, and all we have are text
messages and emails.

In the first realm, pure absolution exists. Every
time I return, I want to return through this realm. But this is reality. When I
return, I hide behind the casual text message that always ends sour. Hurried replies
and reckless abandon of feelings, this realm is purely selfish. But somehow
tenacity wins the day and we find a way back to each other.

But as I said before, “we have our little routine.” Be it vengeance, or self preservation,
I can’t tell. The roles are reversed and you take flight. You have the common
decency to give notice of your intentions. Everything feels final and I reluctantly
accept. If only common decency applied to your return. You return through the
second realm as I did. Of course you are my equal when it comes to words and
tenacity so I come undone. Declarations of misplaced affection, “you don’t love
her”, “I don’t love him.” The paradox here is that a lie and a truth coexist. I
am yours, and not yours. We talk of obligations and yet this conversation
negates all loyalties.

This time it is short lived. The cycle is broken.
I come undone by the silence. All I want to know is how you make it look so

“Watch out for love (unless it is
true, and every part of you says yes including the toes), it will wrap you up
like a mummy, and your scream won’t be heard and none of your running will end.” 
– Anne Sexton
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  • Reply evelyn karungi August 11, 2014 at 12:56 am

    'The paradox here is that a lie and a truth coexist.' can I have s'more?????

  • Reply confusedconfuser August 14, 2014 at 9:56 pm

    Your words are as beautiful as i remember!! ps. i hate how much i relate to this post…

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